By Qëndresë Halili
Taken from the book “War Diary“
I always dreamt of my angel, when I was a child, from when I endured the war, until now that I have met it. Now I realize that angels really do save you.
The white angel with many stars surrounding it, flies in the sky, makes light, brings peace and the air of freedom. An angel that I had seen that night as black, without light, and without a moon. A night that I remember as if it was yesterday. Everyone was humble, bodies shook like birches in the water, fear for flesh and bone, lost in the fog, yet we still waited. It’s amazing that we are still alive.
My dad says that all will become well in our Kosovo, everyone else was silent, and my mother says that a person is stronger than a rock. My little brother Liridon cries and cries, but he has a sweet cry, almost like he is laughing. (He is still an angel that feels the presence of angels and possibly has talks with them). My little sister screams because she can’t find her toys that only God knows where they are. My other brother tells her that she’ll never find her toys because the war stole them! I hold my head up to the sky, and I search frantically for any star, just to complete my fantasy of seeing an angel. I have always loved stars, but I never could count them in the sky. I don’t cry, my childhood has now aged. Nobody knows that I’m not a child anymore, but my angel was exactly like I had always dreamed of. The angel had told me that he was my savior.
I don’t have dreams anymore. The war has took them from me. The war that gets stained with blood. The red war with a black face that I don’t understand why it’s happening, but I don’t want to understand. Now, I only have one wish. I know that wishes don’t come true if you tell them, so I won’t speak. I only wait for his arrival, his force, and his light. The village is in darkness. My dad tells us that it’s time to sleep, but I don’t want to sleep unless I see my angel. They take me away from the window. Now, we are all together, and we are waiting together. I don’t understand what they are waiting for. I know that I’m waiting my guardian angel. I feel that my angel will come soon, I feel it…
After a few moments, something lights up my village, my room, all of us, me. I get up on my feet and scream: “It’s my angel! My guardian angel!”
We all stand up and look to the sky. The sky has light now, it is so bright. We all realize that it’s been a long time since any of us has seen the sky. We haven’t seen light and we haven’t seen the smiles on each other’s faces followed by hope for a long time.
I hear voices: America, America, America!
America has freed us, America has freed us!
I dance a little in place. I look at our bright house, our faces are lit, and I am laughing very hard. Everyone claps and chants again: America, America, America!
The angel comes from the sky, makes light, and brings peace.
I don’t know what America is. What is America? Who is America?
I don’t know anything, but I don’t need to. I only know how to feel, and I feel like a child even though I’m not a child. You probably don’t know how it feels to be a grown-up in the body of a child, with little legs and little hands.
Children like me who have never had a childhood. Children like me with no future, with no dreams, and with a lot of war inside of me, but wishing for the freedom of everybody else. My freedom will come once I meet my angel.
America is my guardian angel. America has saved us. America is peace. America has stopped the war. America is an angel!
The whole family goes outside and we all scream: America, America, America!
Since that time, I have remembered this name, it has been engraved into my soul, mind, and heart. You can never forget angels. Angels will always save us. Angels are the saviors of this world!
I have always ran, ran, ran…
Nobody saw me running, nobody notices an escape unless you completely disappear!
I continued to run, I wanted to melt, evaporate, and disappear into nothing, until I came here to America.
The war within myself that I do not want anymore, freedom with everyone else along with myself is more beautiful than the physical freedom. The freedom that knows how to bring an angel from the sky with peace. I still believe that angels live in the sky. Nobody can disagree that peace will eventually fall onto the ground.
The sky and the ground have never been at war!
This is my angel, with the name America, that I have met two months ago. America is a wonderful place, more beautiful than I had imagined. Even brighter than what I saw from the sky and with more freedom and peace than we had wanted.
AMERICA IS LIGHT! AMERICA IS FREEDOM! AMERICA IS PEACE!
Now I am with my angel, now I am safe, free, and at peace. I am not scared of the war anymore, or the war within myself. People are not scared of peace. The peace that angels bring from the sky for the souls of children!
Thankfully, I have met my angel. My childhood angel of war and the arrival of peace!
Believe in my angel, in your angel, and in our angel! My America, your America, and our America!